I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The convent might be a nice break from real life
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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