Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
