So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Too much gin, very little bucket
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
