She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
