turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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