I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
