I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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