my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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