my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
