Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
