You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
