Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I smell stomach acid.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
