the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I miss vodka workout Fridays
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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