hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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