My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
