I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
