I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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