You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
