There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude i'm inner monologue high
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
