Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
