i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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