I can text with my tongue
P.S. I can't hear my feet
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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