I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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