I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
