Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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