i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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