My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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