I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Nicole vs. Life
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have fence marks all over my body
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
