put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
im on a boat
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