Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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