I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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