he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
