if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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