Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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