Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
