dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
