apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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