Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
