K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
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