This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
