Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
