I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
