im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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