The brown eye won't let me do that either.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
