just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
foreskin is a definite game changer
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
