Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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