I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
