So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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