my mouth tastes like poor choices
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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