At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
