So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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