Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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