"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize