Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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