I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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