was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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