I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize