I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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