Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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