More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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