just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
