I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
