When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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