woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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