are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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