u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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