Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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