Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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