I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
